Beingness/Return to Zero

I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately, and I wasn’t sure why. It’s been like this for months ngl. I found myself doing things I typically wouldn’t do, saying things I typically wouldn’t say, not keeping promises to myself that I’d typically keep, etc. I even found myself compromising on standards that I would never have relented on. I still maintain certain disciplines to keep progressing forward, but I could feel deep down internally that I was just at an impasse of some kind. Most people would say, " Oh, you’re just depressed," but in reality, I was in a state of disillusionment.

As someone as strong-willed and meticulous as I am, I genuinely never thought I would lose my sense of self in this manner. Of course, this is nothing but arrogance at the end of the day, smh. I had to realize that the world will cause me to doubt and question myself, making me compromise certain principles, beliefs, and practices that were thoroughly ingrained in my identity. This is the objective reality. What follows this reality is within our complete and total control. Instead of doing what I did (distracting myself with women & wasting their time), it’d be far better to retreat back within oneself.

People call this various things: grounding oneself, meditating, returning back to oneself etc. I prefer to call this “going back to zero”. Going back to zero means to throw away all the extra noise and fixations you have that are currently not allowing you to enhance yourself. Returning to Zero is to throw away all the old habits, mindsets, and routines that have gotten you to this level of success in order to get to the crux of your ‘why.’

Part of the reason I feel in this rut is due to my overall ease/comfort in this stage of my life. By all accounts, I’m doing far better than many of my peers my age and have tons of things to be grateful for. The fact I'm able to even acknowledge that I'm in a rut and possess the aptitude to write about it like this further demonstrates how blessed I truly am. Nevertheless, if I'm being honest with myself, I am not adequately challenging myself enough, but beneath this and the major cause of my disillusionment stemmed mostly from my lack of alignment with my ‘beingness’’ or persona. Because my identity was being shaken/challenged by the world, I found that I couldn’t have the things I wanted to have because I wasn’t doing the things I needed to do, because I wasn’t being the person I needed to be to do and have those things.

To counteract this disillusionment, one must get rid of all the fluff and fixations that they're distracting themselves with. Return at once to the root of your essence. At the very nucleus of your being, what is it that you most desire at this very moment? Why was it that you desired that thing in the first place?

Never let a day go by without asking yourself these questions! Understand, you will lose yourself at one time in your life or another; the lesson is to return to yourself at once. Don't attempt to avoid it nor distract yourself with nonsense: return back to zero.

"When jarred, unavoidably by circumstance, revert at once to yourself, and don't lose rhythm more than you can help." --Marcus Aurelius